DID YOU KNOW? ........

Very interesting . . . Dead Penguins - I never knew this! Did you ever wonder why there are  no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go? Well, Wonder no more ! ! !  It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely  ordered and complex life.  The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its  offspring throughout its life.  If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface,  other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into,  and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing............. "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow." You really didn't believe that I know  anything about penguins, did you?  It's so easy to fool OLD people. I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Fun Irish Joke - A Family Tradition

An Irish Family Tradition

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had 

all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Micky, took a boat out

 to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat  ...and nearly drowned!

Micky  just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk

'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,

 "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather

 were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were

 born in August, ya dip shit.

Group Therapy LOL

Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy

session with five young mothers and their small

children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: 

"You are obsessed with eating. 

You've even named your daughter Candy."


He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 

"Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself

in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank."


He turned to the third Mum, Joyce:

 "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in

your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. 

You even called the cat, "Whisky".


He then turned to the fourth Mum June:

 "Your obsession is with flowers. 

Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."


At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,

took her little boy by the hand and whispered:

 "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about. 

Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home." 

Funny Joke - ouch... LOL

Tonsils vs. Circumcision

Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on stretchers 

next to each other outside the operating room, 

the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks,

 "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says,

 "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry 

about. I had that done when I was four. 

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they

give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. 

I had that done when I was born. 

Couldn't walk for a year."  

LOL 

OOOOPS ... been way too long since my last post.......... My Bad!

The teacher was telling the kids about the
birds & the bees....
She explained that when a man and a woman meet,
fall in love, nine months later the stork usually
brings them a little baby from its nest....

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her
hand up & asks the teacher...

Are you sure about the stork, miss?

I think you're getting your birds mixed up!

'Cos my big sister just got a little baby &
she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!

"The Birds & The Bees" LOL

The Poor wee soul ... Hey , I had all sons , so for me this is hilarious!

(Every Parents' worst nightmare perhaps!)

A father asks his 10-year old son if he knows about the " birds and the bees"?

"I don't want to know!! " he says , bursting into tears.

"Please ... Promise me you won't tell me"

Very confused, the father asked what was wrong..

The boy sobs , When I was six, I got the......

"There's no Easter Bunny" speech

When I was seven , I got the ....

"There's no such thing as the Tooth Fairy" speech

When I was eight, you hit me with the....

"There's no such thing as Santa" speech!

So If you are going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag..

I'll have nothing left to live for... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL , Oh dear.. how sad, never mind!

Fun Joke - Bob and the Blonde ... :)

Bob and the Blonde!


Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the
story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he will jump.."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet ya he won't."

Bob placed a $20.00 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20.00 to Bob,
saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news,
and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

Bit lame, but funny... none the less..






DK-Elite-Enterprises

Fun Joke - "Some Old Men Can Still Think Fast! " This is one of my Fav' Jokes ...

An elderly man in Taranaki had owned
a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond out the back.
It was perfectly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and
peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go
down to the pond, (as he hadn't been there for a while)
to look it over.
He grabbed a huge bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond....




He made the young women aware of his presence ,
and they all went down to the deep end.


One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"


The old man frowned,
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or to make you get out of the pond naked."


AND.......


Holding the rather large bucket up he said,
"I'm just here to feed the alligator"


See... some old men can still think fast..
LOL..

Fun Joke - True though.. lol

Quote of the day...

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. "

If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she will give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap.....

Be ready to receive a ton of sh*t!!! LOL ..

Fun Joke - Marriage and Sharing.. lol

"The sharing of marriage"... LOL

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries
and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half,
placing one half in front of his lovely wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into
two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her....

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger,
the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, That poor old couple...
All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table
and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine - and that they were used to
sharing everything.....

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
taking turns at sipping on the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them.
This time the old woman said
"No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with
the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady
who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked

"What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered ......


"THE TEETH."



Nothing like sharing everything, aye? ..
How sweet.. lol

Blonde Moment and Jokes.. 'Coz I can...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at
2am in the morning. ......

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened for a moment And said
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know........
Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

AND ....................................

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them"

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

* OH to be blonde aye! ... lol

Dianne @ DK Elite Enterprises

Fun Joke, Guess you had to be there.. lol

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table.

He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying
out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air,
and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops
her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards
they go to the theatre followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams
and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like
to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks him a gourmet meal with
all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed.
Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman.

Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"


"No," she replies. . .



Wait for it. .....




The suspense is killing you, isn't it? LOL

*
*
*
*
*
*
*


She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."




DK-Elite-Enterprises

Fun Joke "The BLONDE Mortician"

Not Quite sure what's up with me, and BLONDE Jokes..
heee heee... :) Now It's Blonde/Grey but shhh...(close enough)

Anyhoo, .... Here it is..

The Blonde Mortician!

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's
wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, ..... says that she always thought her husband always
looked his best in blue, and that she would like him in a blue suit.

So she gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says,
"I don't care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit
for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe!

"The suit fits him perfectly" .. She says to the blonde mortician,
"Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and
I'm very grateful. "

"How much did you spend? " To her astonishment, the blonde mortician
presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge" she says....
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"No Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says,
"it cost nothing" .....

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing a very attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,
and she said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice.


''So I just switched the heads" ...


Ewwwwww!! , & lucky most blondes are not really that stupid .. ;)

Find out what this blonde is up to here.. ;)
DK-Elite-Enterprises

25 Life Lessons my Mother Taught me.... :)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, please do it outside.
I've just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC...
"Because I said so! That's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC ....
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the shops with me."


6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT..
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner ."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM ...
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You WILL sit there until all those broad beans are gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks like a cyclone hit it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"You Just wait 'til we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop pulling those faces, you are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP ...
"Go & Put your jumper on.... Do you think I don't know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR ...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT!
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You are just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS ..
"Shut that door behind you,.. Do you think you were born in a tent?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM ..
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
(And my all time Favourite & lucky last) ..
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Go Figure.. LOL .. I did have Four Sons .. and Yes I now know
exactly what she meant!.... And Great Lessons they were.. :)


Dianne @
DK-Elite-Enterprises

The Blonde Version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" LOL

A Contestant, named Sarah, on 'Who Wants to be a millionaire?'
had finally reached the last round....

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the $1,000,000.

If she answered incorrectly, she would only take home the $25,000,
And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question wouldn't be an easy one..

And there it was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not
build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it?

A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

Sarah was on the spot, and She didn't know the answer..
She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.
She hoped she would not have to use it because.........
Her friend was, well, a blonde.

As she had no alternative, they called her friend and she gave her the
question and the four choices.

The blonde responded without hesitating...
"Oh, That's easy"... The answer is C: the cuckoo.

Sarah, had to make a decision and make it fast.
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer
except the one that her friend had given her.....

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the
most logical thing to do, But her friend had responded with such confidence,
and certainty , that Sarah could not help but be convinced..

So Crossing her fingers, she said, "C: The cuckoo".

''Is that your final answer?" "Yes, that is my final answer".

''That answer is Absolutely correct!
You are now a millionaire! ( The crowd cheered.. )

Sarah had won the million dollars!


'Three days later, Sarah hosted a huge party for her family and friends,
including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars....

"Oh Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you , " Sarah said ..

"How did you happen to know the right answer?"

''Oh, come on," said the blonde .....

Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests,
They live in clocks... 'Sarah fainted '

ROFL.. :)

Fun Joke, Do Women Fart? Really????

Has Been a tense week......

Thought this joke was appropriate!! LOL ....

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized

I desperately needed to fart...... (women don't ya know!)

HOWEVER, The music was really, really loud,

so I timed my farts with the beat of the music,
And After a couple of songs, I started to feel better....


So I finished my drink and noticed that everybody

was staring at me...... (don't ya hate that? but) ..... lol

I suddenly remembered I was listening to my iPod...

OMG.... Hilarious or Just Blonde??

I Will let you decide!

Tense week over, .... Needless to say....

Fun Joke, "The Little ole man"

A little old man goes into a drug store and says,

"Can I have 6 Viagra tablets please, and could you
cut them into quarters?"

"Yes Sir, I can cut them for you" said Bob the pharmacist,
However a quarter of a tablet will not give you a full erection!

"Hey I am 96 years old" said the little old man.

"I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far
enough so I don't pee on my slippers."



Fun and Ewwww! :)

Fun Joke, The 5 Minute Management Course! :)

The 5 minute Management Course....

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking about it for a moment, the woman drops her towel
and stands stark naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds,
Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about
the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in
a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
making her gown open to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears,
he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again
said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak..'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on
her way.. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
to look up Psalm 129.. It said, ...
'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says,

'I'll give each of you just one wish...' 'Me first! Me first!'
says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone. '

OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office
right after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say...

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very,
very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree'
sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?
' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched
at the top of the tree...
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him
out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Sh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into
a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy,
and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your
mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE !

Fun Joke

How True? but that's not the joke... This is!


A Nine Year Old Boy is spying on his Mother and her
lover from a bedroom wardrobe...

The Woman's Husband comes home Early..

So she shoves her lover into the wardrobe, not
knowing her son is in there, too..

"Dark in Here, isn't it? " the boy says

"Yes, it is," Says the man ...

"Want to buy a football for $200?"

"NO WAY"

"My Dad's outside"

"OK. Done!

The next week, the husband is home early again.

The lover is shoved back into the wardrobe with
the boy....

"Dark in here " Says the boy.

"Yes, It Is! "

"I've got football boots for sale, Only $500."

"SOLD" ...

The next day, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your Football gear, Let's go to the park for a game"

"I can't Dad, I sold it for $700"

"What, you conned your friends?
You will have to go & ask God for forgiveness my boy"

So the father marches the boy off to church, sits him in
the confessional booth and closes the door..

"Dark in here," Says the little boy.

"Don't start that again," Says the Priest.


(And No, Not one of my sons..)
LOL.. :)

"Make your 2009, Shine"

Fun Joke, "The Bathtub Test" check your sanity.. :)

"The Bath Tub Test"

It doesn't hurt to take a good, hard look at yourself
from time to time, and
this should help get you started...

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionnalized?

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. " A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the tea-cup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug...

Do you want a bed near the window?"

DID YOU PASS THE TEST?
OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? :)